Recently I asked this question to a list of borderlines.
What do you think is the most misunderstood thing (aspect)
of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) by those people
that you've known and or therapists? Why?
Jeff answers:
"Staff thinking all borderlines fall into some stereotypical
pattern. I've gone from being an active, curious participant
in my treatment to being manipulative, distrustful and splitting.
The only thing that changed was my diagnosis. When I was
without a clear diagnosis I was treated with compassion. Once the
doctor said "borderline" every action and word of mine became
suspect.
One time, during a staffing, the psychiatrist said something
that went against what the psychologist had told me. When I
asked for some clarification I was told I was trying to split
the staff and kicked out of the conference room.
Really made it hard to trust my own reality when everyone
around me was seeing some ulterior motive to my every action.
Me - "I'm sorry but I can't eat this. I don't
like fish."
Them - "You're only hurting yourself by not
eating what we bring you. We're not
going to let you manipulate us like this."
You see what I mean?"
Lisa H answers:
"For me it is my demanding, very expressive personality
trait. I have to have people that REALLY know me, completely
understand me! If they don't see my side of a situation
then I resent them terribly....I am not stubborn just VERY
persistent!! I also think that because of my inconsistencies
in my life that I am considered to be a "hopeless" case. I don't
think so because I have BPD and it takes ALONG time to recover!
Cinda answers:
"Therapists/psychiatrists I have been to seem to treat
the signs (outward manifestations) of BPD and ignore the
feelings that generate these signs. As long as I don't
display any of the BPD traits then everything's fine. But
it's that inner stuff that kills.
No one that I know is aware of the BPD diagnosis."
Nerrida answers:
"I think that the most misunderstood aspect of BPD
is when therapists etc dismiss my behaviours as "attention-
seeking". Firstly, if I am seeking attention - it is because
I have a need which is not being met (and doesn't everyone
have them at times). That does not mean I should be ignored
or treated as bad. Secondly, I think it is too easy to just
say - 'oh she is just seeking attention, we should ignore
her or even punish her so that she learns not to do it'.
That approach solves nothing.
I have learned that a lot of my behaviours have been
inappropriate in terms of getting my needs met. But the
real success and change for me came when I began to delve
into what exactly were the needs that I had. Then I could
move on to finding ways of expressing myself more appropriately
and finding more acceptable and successful ways to achieve
the outcomes I needed. I think it shows a basic lack of
understanding to label our behaviours as "attention-seeking".
It belittles, demoralizes us and takes away our ability to
see ourselves as functioning adults who are capable of
directing our behaviours and responses."
Terri answers:
"I think the most misunderstood part of bpd is that
nobody can see it visually. I mean everybody thinks I
should be doing so much more then what I am doing and
that there is nothing wrong with me except being lazy.
They don't see the pain and hurt inside of me. They
don't know how sensitive I am to everyone and everything
around me. They don't understand that when I explode it is
because it is out of frustration because I have let it build
up inside me and was to scared of being rejected to address
each issue when it would come up. I need my therapist to
stop dancing around the bpd issues as well and start to help me.
I guess the why of all this is because I don't trust people
enough. I'm too scared of being hurt that I can't let them
see me for who I am. I am extremely scared of being rejected.
This has happened to me before and it was terrible. These are
the types of things I want to work on in therapy but my
therapist just doesn't get it. Oh well I guess I will just
have to try a little harder. Anyway this is how it is for me."
It has been my experience that people with BPD get lost to
others and are lost to themselves (to varying degrees).
Borderlines tend to be viewed and or experienced as the
"symptoms" or the cause of others' pain. Their personhood
and identity, though shrouded in fog to begin with, gets
lost even further. Much is heard from non-borderlines and
even professionals about how much borderlines hurt them or
are difficult to deal with. This, though often true, results
in the borderline (at some point) coming face to face with
an immense level of agony on top of what is an already a
monumentally-profound amount of pain.
The personality disorder is misunderstood and the person
with the personality disorder often is forgotten. I think
that BPD is as misunderstood by many out of a need to protect
themselves from any further onslaught to their senses, emotions,
sanity or person. I believe that a great many professionals do
not understand BPD very well. They may learn the jargon and
they may learn the symptoms but I don't think they learn how
to deal with a borderline who actually "presents" as borderline
(in therapy). In other words the great misunderstanding of and
in therapy is that somehow a borderline is not "allowed" or not
"supposed" to be borderline in the office or in the session.
Many professionals are not prepared to commit to what it takes
to truly see a borderline to wellness. This has always boggled
my mind. As if somehow borderlines (in the early stages of
healing) can at all control themselves or act any more
appropriately in a professional's office than they do in life.
This is like deciding that a baby's crawling (while in a
professional's office) is inappropriate and expecting and
insisting that they just walk while they are there. And if
they can't walk then many therapists would dismiss them as
patients. Rather senseless isn't it?
Perhaps the greatest misunderstanding of all, when it
comes to BPD, is the prevailing thought (in a large percentage
of the helping professions) that borderlines cannot get better.
Is this not a self-fulfilling prophecy of the therapists who
are not working with borderlines in a way in which borderlines
truly need them to in order that they can get better?
Regardless of what your understanding of BPD is it might
benefit you to take another look at it. Whether you are
borderline, non-borderline, or a professional. I believe
that BPD remains one of the most misunderstood personality
disorders.
Borderline Personality Disorder remains steeped
in myth and misunderstanding. It is lost in the middle of
efforts to define it and re-define it. The understanding
that borderlines most need has been shoved aside in an
all-out-war against BPD by the professionals. Rather than
'war' against the effects of BPD or 'war' against the
tragedy of BPD, or 'war' against the litany of the
suffering that borderlines are in the throes of;
professionals would rather debate endlessly about
biology versus environment and drug treatment.
To be "understood" borderlines and Borderline Personality
Disorder must be equally recognized. Borderlines MUST be
given the help (real help -- not just drug dismissal and
or "control") that they need. The receiving of this much
needed "real help" is what will result in more and more
borderlines healing. Do I misunderstand the "healing
profession" when I assert that they do not appear to be
working with and for borderlines to this end?
© Ms. A.J. Mahari, December 5, 1999
