I would bet that no one gets through this life without
some regrets. However, for those with Borderline Personality
Disorder, (BPD) accumulating regrets can seem like a hobby of
sorts. I know for me, after I recovered from BPD, I had to look
back at a litany of regrets. Then comes the reality of the fact
that regrets hurt and that they must be grieved so that we
don't carry that sadness around with us.
For many their regrets go all the way back to early in
childhood. How easy is it to keep trying to own the actions
of others while ignoring (for years, at times) your own hurtful
actions to others? Too easy all-too-often, unfortunately.
There seems to be something about the desparation, emotionally,
that many borderlines feel and let dictate their
lives. This desparation seems to almost fuel the impulses
that contribute to the kinds of behaviour that just lead to
one regret after another. It is important to look at the patterns
of your behaviour. All behaviour means something and
stems from somewhere.
It is natural to have regrets. The fact is though, by the
time your pain or sadness is old enough to be a regret, or
deep enough there is likely nothing that you can do to repair
the loss. Here again is where grieving is the only way to
move on.
Too many borderlines, each in his/her own way, ruminate
about regrets. Looking back with "what-if's" and "if only's".
The fact is that behaviour impacts people. If you have behaved
in ways that have caused people to leave your life or tell
you they can no longer deal with you, or in ways that have
ended relationships, again, there really isn't any going back.
Others have a right to heal too. Most often when they do, they
do not want to go back. Trust is easily broken and it is much
harder to repair. Often it cannot be repaired.
There is the opportunity, for you, in and with each and every
regret to mourn the events that took place and to take
personal responsibility for your part in what you lost. If
you let it, loss, and the pain of regret can be great teachers
and healers. If you feel troubled about past events that now
cause you regret, rather than going over and over it, or
aound in circles challenge yourself to address the causes, the
reasons for your regret in a very honest manner. As you
identify your part in things you can then become more aware of
what you might be doing that others cannot tolerate in relationship
with you.
We all make mistakes. We all have needs. Often we don't know
how to meet those needs. Acknowledge your mistakes. Learn from
your mistakes. Each time you come to the pain of regret let it
be a reminder of all that you are working to change and why.
Active mourning of your losses will help you to move out of
regret. Some regret is healthy. But to dwell on it or continually
re-visit it (the same regret) is not healthy. Each
loss that we have suffered needs to be grieved and let go so
that we can move on. Sadly, when we have regrets, there is little
that we can do to rectify the cause of those regrets.
Let your regrets teach you to adjust your behaviour to more
socially-acceptable engaging relating as opposed to needy
borderline relating, often co-dependent and enmeshed and very
selfish. If you continue to relate in these very borderline,
selfish ways, you will continue to add to the stockpile of all
of your regrets.
Though the impulses may often be incredibly strong to try to
go back and go back and fix and fix and promise and so forth, that
is where the trap of regret will hold you stuck if you let
it. Rather than going back over and over things that didn't work
out, learn from them and stop repeating the same negative,
self-sabotaging behaviour. Ask yourself, do you need more regret in
your life? I'll bet the answer is no. And you certainly don't
deserve it either.
Regret is about the past. Look to the here and now and to your
future. Learn from yesterday but stop repeating the same
patterns over and over. Each time you repeat a pattern and
acquire yet another regret you have made a choice to not serve
yourself or take care of yourself well. When will you stop
re-victimizing yourself and admit that you've been hurt and hurt
enough?
When will you begin to allow yourself to emotionally
mature and to take the healthy risk of connecting with people
in honest and meaningful ways instead of just to have your
needs met by others. Needs that you need to learn to meet for yourself?
Working to recover from BPD can seem endless. It isn't
endless though. It may seem that you are hitting brick walls,
but you aren't. You are learning and growing and doing the
best you can. Leave your regrets in the past where they belong
and learn to live today.
© A.J. Mahari, November 4, 2001
as of January 5, 2002
