"BPD Speak" is dramatic and erratic. It
reflects the way that the borderline thinks he/she
feel. This dramatic language is a self-fullfilling
prophecy. The more it is thought and spoken the
truer it will appear to be in one's life.
Examples of "BPD Speak" are statements like:
"I can't take this anymore"
"It's killing me"
"This always happens"
"It figures"
"Nothing ever works out for me"
"Look what you made me do"
"My life sucks"
"It's not my fault"
"I didn't mean to ..."
The above statements are black and white,
fatalistic, and a complete abdication of responsibility
and the reality that you can make choice. Thinking like
this in such dramatic fashion contributes greatly to more
dramatic, neurotic, stressed feelings which are often then
a spring-board for impulsive and self-damaging/
sabotaging behaviour.
This "extreme" and dramatic thinking becomes a habit. I
did for years without having a clue that I was doing it.
It contributed to a lot of my pain and problems. I had to
take responsibility for my cognitively distorted thoughts
before my experience of life could change.
These dramatic thought patterns originate from
thinking that is predicated upon many of the cognitive
distortions commonly seen in those with BPD. These cognitive
distortions are the result of maladaptive coping skills
learned in stressful life situations such as splitting -
all-or-nothing thinking, projecting, and transference to name
a few. These maladaptive coping skills are the result of the
failure to have developmental needs met. As the borderline
becomes an adult their prevalence and pervasiveness is then
the result of the borderline not having the ability to meet
his/her own needs.
In order to recover, those with BPD need to learn how to
pay attention, objectively, to what they are thinking. It is
at this thought level that (in my experience and according to
many experts) one's concept of reality is generated which
then lead to feelings and actions.
For many with BPD, there is an incredible lack of awareness
of what is actually being thought. Many with BPD also do not
allow themselves to feel their feelings. Between this lack of
conscious understanding of their thoughts and this inability
to feel their own feelings many borderlines are totally
unaware of the foundation and reason behind many of the actions
that they take. Recovery involves linking these three aspects
of one's experience of reality together. As long as they
remain fragmented, chances are very good that the borderline
will remain dissociated from self to the point where they are
not able to take personal responsibility or make choices for
his/herself that others without BPD, at the same life stages
are making. It is crucial that one come to know what ones
thoughts are, where they are coming from and what they mean
as well learn to feel the feelings that they have. Then, and
only then is there truly hope to change the actions/behaviour
which most borderlines will readily admit is causing them
great pain and or alienation in their lives.
Though it may sound over-simplified the way to begin this
process of awareness is by paying attention to the language
that you use to talk about how you feel or what you think.
"BPD Speak" is a lanuage alienated from self that
seeks to convey to others needs that aren't even understood
by the borderline in the hope (conscious or subconscious)
that the "other(s)" will meet those needs some how for the
borderline. It is this reality of expectation that leads
to such strong, dramatic and even violent impulsive outbursts
that seem to come from nowhere on the part of many borderlines.
They are experiencing and re-experiencing the agony of
frustrating unmet needs and all the while no one around
them has a clue that they have been "asked" in an almost
secret and undetectible way for such a deep level of help,
or rescue.
"BPD Speak" is a language born out of pain and
unmet needs. It is a language that is expressed from
the emotional maturity of a child no matter what one's
age is. It is often a language, that to the outsider, to
the non-borderline will seem to be in code with lots of
gaps. It is a poorly-communicated lanuage that in spite
of its often demandingly-dramatic and erratic presentation
deserves to be heard and to be understood.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari - March 25, 2001
as of January 5, 2002
