Firstly, not every person diagnosed with Borderline
Personality Disorder (BPD) is or will become suidical.
That said, however, great numbers of those who are
diagnosed with BPD do struggle with suicidal feelings.
Many attempt suicide multiple times. Sadly, some lose
their lives to this very painful disorder.
There are many reasons behind why some borderlines
are so suicidal. Just as there are many reasons
behind many borderlines "acting out attempts", if you
will, with little to no desire to die because they
want to be rescued from their pain.
For some borderlines "acting out" suicide attempts --
attempting in ways that cannot be fatal or attempting
suicide with the hope of being rescued in time to live
are very frequent occurrences. This is not often just
about wanting attention. It is about NEEDING attention.
Granted it is not the best way to go about trying to
get the attention that one needs but many borderlines
cannot interpret care even when it is given to them.
For some, no matter what you do, they will see you as
not caring about them. The sad truth about borderlines
who "act out" by attempting suicide is that some
succeed when they clearly only wanted to be helped, or
rescued and certainly did not want to die.
I think such drastic behaviour speaks poignantly
to the pain that borderlines experience
In my own journey through BPD, I was not suicidal.
I did, several time during my recovery, however, feel
a level of pain and sadness that left me feeling what
I think it feels like to feel suicidal. However, I did
not, at any point, ever make any plan or even think about
killing myself. I have never, no matter what, lost my
hope. I credit my spirituality and my faith with this.
I feel blessed to have been able to hold onto my hope
even through the deepest of despair.
Since I am not a professional and I can't speak to
this aspect of BPD from my own past experience I am
going to include here some comments from some borderlines
who know, all too well, the reality of suicidality.
I asked some borderlines the following questions:
1)Have you tried to kill yourself? How many times?
2)Do you know why?
"PSYDUCK" replied:
1) "YES. ABOUT FIVE THAT I CAN THINK OF."
2)"MANY REASONS. HATED MYSELF(PRETTY MUCH STILL DO).
WAS UNHAPPY WITH EVENTS GOING ON IN MY LIFE. FELT THAT
PEOPLE WOULD BE MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME(FELT LIKE I'VE
CAUSED EVERYONE ENOUGH PAIN). NO HOPE THAT I'LL EVER GET
BETTER,ETC.ETC."
"Kittybugs" replied:
1)"I have never actually tried to kill myself -- I'm
too afraid of going to Hell. The closest I came to
suicide is driving around without my seat belt on and
praying that a semi would hit me and obliterate me."
2)"My automatic reaction to any upset is to blow my
head off (not that I have a gun or even easy access to one)."
"Anon." replied:
1)"I had 3 episodes where I started the process of
attempting suicide but stopped short of actually going
through with it -- the first when I was 16 or 17, with
pills; the second & third in my early 20's, with a gas
oven. I am now 42 years old, and this past June I made
a fourth attempt that I actually went through all the way,
but was saved by the intervention of a neighbor and the
maintenance manager of my apartment building -- that was
an OD on a combination of street drugs, prescriptions &
alcohol."
2)"Extreme depression and hopelessness, feeling my
life had no purpose or meaning & that I was ignored/unloved."
"D." replied:
1)"I've od'd 3 times. Since age 13 I was obsessed
w/the act of suicide for most of my life. I've thought
of all sorts of ways to end my life. When I used to take
double or so of my antipsychotic med, my T said it was a
mini-suicidal gesture. after the boyfriend left me, when
I worked in a hospital, I used to go up to the roof during
my lunch hour and wish I could jump over the side. But it
was so frightening to look out over such a height. However,
even tho I was obsessed w/suicide for so long, I never took
the step until 1985, when I was 32. 6 months after my
stepfather died, trying desperately to handle my own grief,
trying to be there for my mother, who turned away from me
in her grief, living in a horrible roommate situation I call
"Hell House", so hungry to be held and comforted by a man
(no one for 5 years at this time) that I asked one of the
male roommates to sleep w/me and I had anonymous sex w/him
just to be held afterward. I tried a date, went to bed
immediately w/the guy and then received a note that
"you're a terrific person -- I don't want to see you again,
but you're a terrific person." I didn't understand, and,
overwhelmed w/pain and rejection, I took pills. I did it
as I took a bus ride to my T for our session. I also
called in to work to say that I was OD'ing and wouldn't
be able to work as I'd either be in a hospital or be dead.
when I got to my T, I could see he was disappointed in me
for "breaking my word." he sent me, in a cab, to a hospital.
I stayed overnight but, because I had no insurance, I went
home the next day. I felt very guilty, and my T was angry
w/me. at the same time, I was angry that I was sent home
even tho I'd done the ultimate -- no one cared
whether I lived or died.
The 2nd time, I had insurance, had a good pdoc, however,
when he told me that he wouldn't be able to talk to me for
as long as he did before, I went home on a break, and
grabbed pills and od'd in the hospital. I wrote a note,
and thought I'd "drop dramatically" --but at the same
time, I felt very guilty and told a nurse -- rushed to
the ER to have stomach pumped. I felt guilty.
the 3rd time, my pdoc tried to rush me in and out of the
hospital. I felt so angry and conflicted, and I've always
turned my anger on myself. If I had to be ready to leave
hospital in 4 days -- why not 2 -- in fact, why not today?!
I convinced me and I convinced pdoc -- I felt there was
no choice. He let me go home. that night I went to class
I was taking, and cried on bus ride home. the next morning,
I awoke, and felt STRANGE. I knew there was no way to go on.
There was a deliberate shutting off of emotions in me, but
it seemed to happen by itself, w/o me acting. writing note,
paying bills, filling lg glass w/water and lining up pill
bottles seemed to just "happen," emotionlessly. I left
door open (" so no one would have to break owner's property,"
I told myself. In addition, I meant to turn off telephone,
but I "forgot.") a friend telephoned, inviting me out to
dinner, I declined, saying I wanted to sleep. I hung up.
she called right back, demanding to know what was going on,
that I "sounded funny." I told her. she called my dr and
came out and took me to er -- she asked, when I was really
drugged up, if I was mad at her. I said, "thank you."
I NEVER, NEVER WANTED TO DIE -- I JUST WANTED THE PAIN TO
STOP~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!
when I awoke from this one, I felt incredibly guilty --
I had tried to murder someone! I felt God and all the people
in the world could never forgive me. when pdoc came in I
said, "can you frogive me?" he said, "can you forgive
yourself?" I had to workd to forgive myself. this was
a big turning point. I could have died w/this one -- basic
thought is this was 3rd and final od, 3rd and final suicide
attempt.
However, in last hospitalization, I made an elaborate
suicide plan which would happen when my mother died. I felt,
"when she passes, I'm DONE!! I've done my work! It's over!
I'm gone!!" It was because I was angry -- and it scares me,
the way I turn on myself when I'm furious. Even w/this
fantasy, I felt incredibly guilty, turning my back on God
to plan suicide.
2)"I have to approach this like 12 Step -- just
for today, just for right now, I'm not. However, I know
I can never say never, and this bears watching in myself.
I have good relationships w/drs, and I do love Life, & God,
and people I'm connected to -- and I know that suicide would
be taking all this love and turning it inside out
and upside down.
The reality of BPD is painful. The reality of
most suicide attempts is that they are more attempts to
escape the pain then they are any true desire to die.
However, that said, many are not capable, at the time these
feelings dominate, of logically seeing that the pain that
they are in can be worked through and or won't always be
that severe. One thing I learned about pain from being
borderline and held onto is that pain will pass. If you
hang on long enough, seek help and learn to take care of
yourself and grieve your sadness pain will pass. Corny
as it sounds - "where there is life, there ishope".
Suicidal feelings are very real. If you feel this way
you need to get professional help. If you struggle with
feeling this way often it is wise to put together with a
professional a plan for what you can do to take care of
yourself when you feel suicidal.
Some borderlines do look at suicide as a way to punish
those in their lives who they don't feel understood by
or cared enough about by. To you, I say, why hurt (or kill)
yourself over the failure (or perceived/interpreted failure)
of someone else?
Borderlines often do not know how to be there for themselves.
Self-trust can be very difficult when you don't know the "self"
you are supposed to trust.
There are always options. Often suicide feels more "doable"
than working one's way through feelings and issues that (at
this point) you may not understand. However, know that working
through those issues and coming to feel those feelings in a
safe way can be learned. You just need to give yourself time
to get there.
The reality is that some borderlines have lost their lives
as a result of this personality disorder and sadly, more will
too. You do not have to be one of them. You can make the choice
to live. Living can be painful. Life does not come with any
guarentees but the more borderlines that learn to work through,
live with, process and feel their pain the less fewer of them
will have to choose suicide, such a final solution to what are
always temporary problems, in life.
If you'd like to follow this link I have a
page on my web site that I have dedicated to a
borderline who lost her battle with BPD to suicide. Anne
was a member of a support list I run for borderlines,
called Borderpd up until almost the time of her death
a few years ago.
In Memory of Anne A Borderline who Committed Suicide
For more information about suicide
© Ms. A.J. Mahari - August 26, 2000
as of January 5, 2002
